"Macbeth is gay." - Mr. Bryson, 9:55 AM, 12/7/18

Listen. Macbeth is gay. It's true, there's so much evidence. Truth be told, I didn't think of this until it came out of Mr. Bryson's mouth, but Macbeth is definitely gay, and there's totally a whole lot of evidence to point to this fact. Let's break it down.

The first piece of evidence: Mr. Bryson said he was. You see, Mr. Bryson is our almighty ruler of all things Shakespeare. Where we are novices in reading Shakespeare, this man has studied it with his heart and soul. He has read this play over and over again, analyzing it, deciphering its secrets, and he has found the answer at long last - Macbeth is totally gay.

The second piece of evidence: The relationship he has with the man he's gay for - that's right, it's Macbeth's very obvious tragic love for Duncan. You can see it in his eyes as he looks at the king. He adores him at the beginning of the play, serving him well as his thane. He fights battles for him, murdering people to protect his name and title. It's clear he adores him.

The third piece of evidence: The plot twist! When you least expect it, Macbeth must suddenly kill Duncan. Oh god, it's horrible. It's so tragic, and it's such a good plot twist for an angsty romantic tragedy. He has the initial thought of murdering Duncan, and how does he react? Well, it's clear - he's, as the cool kids say, 'shooketh'. He labels the thought as a dark, evil thought, and he clearly doesn't want to do it.

The fourth piece of evidence: How many times Macbeth refuses to kill Duncan. Macbeth is terrified of killing Duncan, which comes as no shock to anyone. How would you feel killing your crush? This is why Macbeth hesitates so many times! It's obvious! Lady Macbeth must push Macbeth into the murder, and even after he kills Duncan, he's horribly guilty and is eventually driven crazy by the paranoia afterward.

And finally: He has a man-wife. His wife is literally a man in a woman's body - he's always talking about her masculinity, her manliness, her... Baby-murdering fantasies. Lady Macbeth is definitely a replacement for the hole in Macbeth's heart that can't be filled by an actual man, considering he is not allowed to be gay in their society. It's all just so sad.

So, there you have it. Now we need to make them a ship name. Duncbeth? Muncan? Who knows. The ship will never sail... Rest in peace, Duncan. Macbeth misses you.